Resolution Suggestions For The President And The Late Show Host.

The President Of The United States for 3 more weeks

To President Barack Hussein Obama,

This has been a busy week for you Mr. President. With the way long overdue refusal of enabling Israel to further turn into a nation of apartheid, and your decision to expel every Russian diplomat out of every embassy and luxury digs in our country based on still alleged attacks on the recent election, the latter being you finally getting bipartisan respect from all of the establishment elected hacks from the GOP. Now that you are finally swinging your balls like a mace when you had 8 years and two mandates to do something remotely effective, with the exception of bailing out the banking and car industries that are still committing offenses and a dreadful foreign policy extolling the use of drones and social media to solve decades of oppression in the middle east, it’s time to do the righteous thing and make a last minute executive decision to legalize marijuana.

That’s right, and hurry up before that legislative neanderthal Sessions gets confirmed (although I don’t think he will be, but it’s best to play it safe). The rationale of this is sound, for 37 states have either legalized, decriminalized or made it legitimate for medical usage. Considering that the last executive decision you made was cultural, which was the national landmarking of the Stonewall Inn, the legalizing of the sticky-icky should be a no brainer and will not be challenged at all. Even in states that want to continue this backwards prohibition, since they can no longer rely on privatized prisons to jail those caught in possession of a dime bag.

Besides, with the economic success in Colorado and the inevitable lucrative certainty in California, this will not have a problem with congressional approval. Also, this would be manna to President Trump and his plutocrat cabinet, and will use his deal making skill sets to dissuade the most hardline conservatives of his cabinet. And it will give his trillion dollar nationwide infrastructure plan much needed funding in the long run from all the taxes accrued from pot sales and cultivation.

The time is right too, for people need relief and escapism and there has to be a way to cut down on the rise of heroin abuse and painkillers and all the trafficking involved. Also, the amount of police time trying to stop it.

So get your pen ready Barry, and get this done. As a former stoner with the good fortune not to get caught, you got to be high not to do this. And for good measure, make the announcement and signing at 4:20 PM.

The greatest satirist of this generation

To the Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Mos Def Colbert DFA,

Even though you have great security in a  nice cushy job now in a land-marked theater in a somewhat oversaturated and mediocre medium with competition that can’t hold a candle to you in the late night format. In consideration to the chaotic times, rote pop culture, and nationwide uncertainty, insecurity and the inevitable disillusionment that will engulf this nation once Trump starts deciding things on Jan. 21 2017, it is time and the utmost duty to resurrect the Colbert Report.

Now I know it’s a long shot, being that Comedy Central owns the rights to it, but there has to be a loophole somewhere (after all it’s in your name) that can allow you to revive this legendary show, for it might be the only thing that will give the nation the checks and balances that the print, media and digital news have squandered in the last decade and seem powerless to enforce. Even if it’s in a satirical format. And it’s the least Les Moonves can do since he is partially responsible for enabling the victory for the most unqualified and opportunistic person to get the keys to the white house. Maybe you and your team can guilt and coax him to make a deal with Comedy Central so you can make your subtle and cutting alter-id back. And like the speculative wall in Mexico, make Lesa and his partners pay for it.

Although I still tune in, the show is just not effective and not as funny as it should be. The voids from earlier bits like the word, tip of the hat, and the threat down are clearly felt with these weak bits like the celebrity star gazing and that twitter war tripe. And the majority of celebrity guests are fucking boring and seem only interested in promoting their films, especially the ones involved in these comic book regurgitations. There’s got a be a way to bring back the public news show type format when you had pundits, authors and elected officials on regularly.

As for the band, Jon Baptiste is a nice super-talented guy, but he’s not funny. Bits tend to halt when he interjects. Sure the band’s improved with more players, but they don’t seem to groove. There also don’t funk well, the guitar players could use a wah wah pedal

I think it’s kind of a waste as the greatest satirist of our time and maybe in the past 5o years could contribute so much more if you were let loose by your network that is clearly holding you back. Especially during the campaign when you could have scorched the Trump campaign and even Hillary’s by exposing their vainglorious pursuits.

And now that Trump is doing a virtual boycott of the fourth estate, for reasons that seem shady now that Obama has kicked Russian diplomats out of the country, it’s time to fill the void of investigative reporting and constructive criticism with the sneering defiance and the dom perignon vintage dry wit that you perfected for 10 years. It’s time to be a formidable opponent.

If there is anything that can motivate the Repor(t)’s return, you should know that Trump’s lawyer Kellyanne Conway has put the world, to quote one of your segments, on notice.

The nation, and the world needs you and the Repor(t) back.

Sacrificing Liberty And Bodily Functions For Security. Happy New Year From This Mayor And The NYPD

Times Square, NYC, NY

Village Voice: NYPD Announces New Rules for Times Square’s Two Million NYE Ball Droppers

At a press conference this morning, Mayor Bill de Blasio and the NYPD laid out new rules for ball droppers convening in Times Square as early as 4 a.m. on New Year’s Eve. Items now not permitted in Times Square: Alcohol (huh?), duffle bags, any backpacks, and umbrellas. Additional crucial item not provided: public bathrooms.

The NYPD announced that it is expecting more than 2 million people in Times Square on Saturday, with over 7,000 officers on duty to provide security. In addition to the police, the city will be rolling out 65 sand and Sanitation trucks to surround Times Square, to prevent any trucks being used as a weapon, similar to recent terror attacks.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

This will truly be a test of people’s mettle. But going by the excessive and quite sadistic security plan and the massive throngs of bodies that will arrive and be subjectively penned in like a Syrian refugee camp, it’s safe to assume that those who are responsible for their safety, namely Mayor Shitshow and the higher echelon of N.Y.’s Finest have concluded that these particular revelers have no mettle at all.

How else can one condone this?  How is denying people the right to drink in the new year for auld lang syne, especially this wretched year, by denying people champagne, which flies in the face over the lack of enforcement when it comes to the vagrant mobs of Santacon. How is protecting the public from terrorist acts by denying them bathrooms and blocking the streets with sanitation trucks filled with tons of sand? And how does banning umbrellas factor into this? (Are ISIS taking tips from the Penguin?)  There is not even going to be rain in the forecast. There is not even a fucking confirmed threat.

How are these people going to eat? Since backpacks are banned also. Maybe part of the plan is to get that goober albino Guy Fieri, the Hard Rock Cafe and all those other rancid food court theme restaurants to throw their marked up lousy fast food to the stockades of people like how fishermen throw chum to get the big catch

It has become official that the city has finally acknowledged the vapidity of the billions of overwhelming, frivolous spending tourists flocking to the city in the past decade. Mayor de lame version of de Laurentiis may have confirmed this with his recent knucklehead statement:

“I’m not quite sure why a million people want to stand in the freezing cold for long periods of time”

At least he’s alienating people who can’t vote here.

This apparatus concocted is so cruel and terrible, that the actual plan to thwart an attack might be to actually discourage people from showing up at all. With no people, no casualties. Isis loses. But do they really? Whenever there are holiday celebrations in public, we have to take ludicrous safety measures that winds up oppressing our own citizenry and erodes our personal freedoms and space every second. Our officials overreactions has made them more flaccid in the eyes of our self-destructive enemies.

But the millions of fools will show up anyway, obsequious to the city’s draconian demands and fill up the pens like good Americans. It’s certain that to tolerate standing still in one direction for 24 hours like pigs in gestation crates, they’ll all be sporting Depends. There has to be a reason why there is a chain pharmacy everywhere you blink. If the city is smart, they make them the sponsor of the night and have their logo on those lame hats and sticks they make all those suckers wear when the clock strikes 12.

I have a stinking feeling that it’s already been considered

Gross. Fuck you 2016, 2 days left motherfucker.

The Campaign For One Ego

I’ll say. Hubris personified. The mayor and his soliciting toady Ross Offinger, both under federal investigation for illegal fundraising. Looks like Ross soiled himself.

NY Post: Taxpayers foot bill for glitzy ad touting de Blasio

Just hours before Mayor de Blasio sent out a plea for donations to his re-election campaign, City Hall posted a 3¹/₂-minute video on Twitter with Broadway actors touting Hizzoner and his accomplishments — all paid for by taxpayers. Critics said the video does not violate city rules but raises a number of concerns about the mayor’s use of public resources to further his re-election prospects. “He needs to use his office to communicate to New Yorkers, but about what’s in their interest — not what’s in his political interest,” said Dick Dadey, of the watchdog group Citizens Union. “There’s elements to it that allow it to somewhat pass the smell test, but any accurate reading of this shows it’s an ad that promotes the mayor as much as it is informational.”

Not a de Blasio 2017 ad

The mayor has come down with acute megalomania. It even shows when he’s affable, like in the current release of city hall agitprop made by his media optics division in his 264 member loyal little farm team.

It seems all the time he’s spending, when in the first few years of his term was on the phone and his blackberry like some telemarketer and was courting an unscrupulous collective of developer tower land barons, restaurant owners, hoteliers, tech based firms and some tv production type for piles of money to shape policies, infrastucture and services in their favor, is trying to polish the daily growing pile of turds that has become his first term as mayor. But like Anderson Cooper once quipped, “technically you can’t polish any turd”. Certainly not when these turds are coming down on the mayor in a diarrhetic downpour.

This approach should be beneath a man with such alleged liberal convictions and a philosophy steeped in social justice. Most importantly someone who initially promised the constituency an end to the widening economic inequity of the upper and lower classes and to staunch the bleeding of the middle class. But it’s clear from his wretched conduct and abuse of his position that even the less cynical can see him for the confirmed phony he has become and has been.

His team of busy AV club elves have been working double time in the past few weeks producing this putrid sketch and other videos featuring that muslim cop that was hassled by some asshole bigot in Coney Island and one where he denounces the president-elect.

What this dope (of park slope) shares with Trump though is his contempt and latent oppression of journalists. Also, apparently, is his arrogant swagger, a defiant embrace of hypocrisy, and a sense of entitlement with his position that comes off mildly scary.

NY Times: Mayor deBlasio’s Media Freeze-Out 

If Mayor Bill de Blasio has decided that he is going to answer questions only from “real media outlets,” and not The New York Post, why doesn’t he just go all the way? Revoke The Post’s credentials, and bar its reporters from City Hall and make an example of them. Let the other reporters learn not to offend His Honor. And if they don’t learn, he can stop taking all questions. Then the mayor will be free to do his business in peace and quiet, his message unfiltered, his administration shown only in its best light, through news releases and photo ops.

Mr. de Blasio got petulant when pressed by a reporter from Newsday for information about an inquiry into the Administration for Children’s Services and the death of a 6-year-old boy. “Come on — try and ask a real question,” he snapped. Then came this exchange with a Wall Street Journal reporter: Q. I’m just curious — taking questions once a week, and you know, insulting newspapers, media outlets — how do you think it’s helping you? How is it helping you? A. It doesn’t have to help. It doesn’t have to help. It’s the — well, I’m saying what I think is the truth. And by the way, I think the people share a lot of my view.

It doesn’t have to help. It also doesn’t help the environment in the city right now. Mostly for the people who work and live here 24/7/365. It doesn’t help any kid being tormented and trapped in a broken home with abusive lowlifes.

This recent transparency of his film crew is not new, in fact they have been busy for a while. Here is something they produced back a few months ago to counter the contentious protests of the citizens of Maspeth when they heard that a big lousy failing vacant hotel that the managers there decided to convert it to a homeless shelter with the city’s enabling and taxpayer funded dollars and barely any input from the community.


These videos were made to highlight and praise the program that has produced a record amount of homeless higher than the great depression and before the inevitable blowback of the horrendous current reports of the amount of homeless people, 60,000 plus and the monstrous costs, 72.9 million in the past year. Does it have to be mentioned that the nation was broke back then and currently our city and state has seen the economy go up. Not much is known what has happened to those poor people since these videos were released, since de Faustio’s crew has not made a follow up, but it’s quite certain they got shipped, or maybe stored in another hotel in another borough.

And now he’s trying to control the narrative, his, and is maligning certain targets (NY Post too easy) and trashing other news media coming to their defense. No surprise coming from a repugnant, manipulative jerk-off. But the Blaz is not alone, dismissal, dismantling and destruction of a free press is actually a world wide trend. Exacerbated by the cultural omniscience of the fake news phenomenon, it has buttressed a duality of cynicism and gullibility of the citizenry and is being easily exploited by immoral empowered types for their advantage. Although this isn’t working so well for our mayor, and  is going through a pained delusional state right now in his assumption of any support of the constituency, which is bred from a tone-deaf statement uttered only last year that out of state transients and tourists knew more than original New Yorkers.

Who knows what him and his agitprop drones are going to release next, but for certain this has to be stopped not only to prevent the daily poisoning of social media with lame sketch videos, but because yet again he is breaking the laws inherent of being mayor. It’s like he’s daring and inviting the feds to come get him. Not since John Gotti has there been a display of such haughtiness towards such scrutiny. Correction, since Donald Trump. Maybe also like his bedfellow rival, president-elect Trump, de Blaz may feel that as mayor, by natural law or urban legend, that he can’t have conflicts of interest or even feels, like Nixon told Frost, that nothing he does is illegal in his elected position.

This usually doesn’t end well with these beliefs and attitudes. No matter how much shit you use for frosting, or how much frosting you use on shit. Hopefully Mayor Big Slow’s comeuppance will come soon before his other little dopes make another smarmy video bit.

Mario’s Sons’ Holiday Dick Moves

Andrew Cuomo. Governor of the state of New York, colossal prick.

The last few weeks have seen a flurry of sudden proactivity from the son of Mario, Governor Andrew Cuomo. Although it truly cannot cloak the sorry desperation inspiring it. This is following the recent indictments of all his long-time cronies consisting of his honorary brother, Joseph Percoco and his favorite visionary guru,  Alain Kaloyeros (“He has economic visions that other mere mortals can’t actually see”  not long ago remarked, Andy) in the ambitious and now squandered Buffalo Billion solar power venture upstate.

After Mario’s son somehow escaped unscathed from the thievery committed by those idiot assholes, who have ties that go back when his dad in the 90’s, Andy somehow had an epiphany that a lot of services and other programs he has jurisdiction, make that lord over, were way behind schedule.

So he deigns to come down to the city and demands that the century long dormant 2nd avenue line must get done, stat. Suddenly, what was a dark and hazardous 40 block gauntlet for a year got fast-tracked and will make it’s new year’s day opening. How this happened was miraculous, as there were 5 times more contractors than before and the streets were clear a week after Mario’s son made his walk through underground. Stupidly sans helmet of course. The stations, for some reason, contains wall to wall modern art displays by the top artists of today which includes Chuck Close. Some of them look like Banksy rip-offs. Which may be the reason why there were so many delays and costs getting higher trying to complete this on schedule, in addition to the cars unable to fit through the tunnels. Andy was so agog he came off like an auctioneer trainee at Sotheby’s when he was describing it, or an unscrupulous realtor trying to swindle some hipsters at an overpriced 5 story walk-up studio apartment with graffiti on the side of the building. But more like Ralphie’s dad from A Christmas Story when he got his major award.

From Curbed:

“The Second Avenue subway provides New Yorkers with a museum underground and honors our legacy of building engineering marvels that elevate the human experience,” Cuomo said in a statement. “Public works projects are not just about function—they’re an expression of who we are and what we believe. Any child who has never walked into a museum or an art gallery can walk the streets of New York and be exposed to art and education simply by being a New Yorker. That is where we came from and that is what makes New York special.”

The last time expression like this was used on our trains was a thing called graffiti, an art form while reviled, despised and persecuted, was representative of the blighted and broke although way more creative times of that era, and is a certainly an influence on the artists contributions to these stations. That will inevitably will be defaced by other expressionist types or by the effects of continuing income inequality with people looking for a place to sleep and place their shopping cart of recyclables and personal belongings. And piss and vomit too. One installation actually shows the effect of papers being blown from the subway, so when real newspaper detritus is thrown away on the platform or from the streets it will blend in seamlessly.

The last time the governor got really needy for efficiency of our transit system was when the 7 extension to the hudson got done, subsequently and immediately there were leaks and escalator breakdowns. This rush job is already getting complaints without even running, since all those workers were so busy getting the roads done they forgot to cut a block long curb.

Now that it’s done after a century of misfortunes and fiscal neglect, well not really done,  the original plan was to get to 125st, but they broke it in phases, and I have to wonder if Mario’s son, Governor Andy, will take his new found proactive helmetless casual Friday style down to the Dirty Southeast Of Queens and get a look at the Lefferts Blvd. station. Where it takes longer to build a pair of stairs than it is to stuff big trains into little tunnels and have big time artists take months making portraits of themselves.


This was supposed to be completed by Thanksgiving, it should be noted that the other staircase was supposed to be finished last year too and got done in fucking June. I don’t have much hope for the MTA, the worst fucking transit system in the universe, to get it done, even if they have the technology for time travel. Look at that sign taped indelicately to the partition wall.083

That’s right, January 2016. That is just awfully discouraging. If only the governor makes the time to assemble a garrison of contractors down to Richmond Hill to fix this miscue.

But that’s a long shot, because these images were taken today, and Mario’s son had to go back to Albany to deal with his new assembly leaders for a new salary. The recently frugal and diligent governor did some flexing and refused to give these officials the raise they actually don’t deserve, even though these positions have not had a substantial pay increase in 40 years. Being the amount of corruption that has gone on and the recent busts of Skelos and Silver and dozens of others, Andy gets to be a hero here with the optics of his decision because these electeds aren’t actually fighting for $15. Unfortunately this has led to a legislative lockdown coming at the expense of startup business and the slight chance to alleviate the monumental homeless crisis in the 5 boroughs.

Andy, apparently still in the zone and a sudden awareness for ethics and accountability, will appoint a special pseudo independent prosecutor answering only to him to overlook any profligate spending by the assembly. This from the guy who terminated the last independent investigative body of his adminstration, the Moreland Commission, which did it’s job too well and got to close to Andy. Something of this nature is akin to being unconstitutional.

With the new year and state of the state address coming, he has embraced populism and wants to engage with the norms (that’s citizens, or people to us, the norms) for 6 individual speeches in different locales. Keeping up his unconstitutional and hubristic theme and taking an American custom as addressing the status of the state and reducing it to going on the lam. Is he trying to avoid being in Albany?

Well, I hope one of his stops is this slow crawl renovation. Because this station is in a heavily and densely populated town. And it gets really cramped and intolerable going up and down those stairs when the train arrives. So get down here and bring your contractor battalion and build these stairs and have them clean that pigeon shit-sty by the turnstiles, Governor. If you really are the governor.